Collage by Chandler

Top Banana
by Phil Rockstroh and Chris Chandler

A down-on-his-luck man, wearing a gorilla costume, has been hired to stand in front the entrance to a carwash-- this being the marketing ploy of the owner of the establishment to promote business.... Of course, this unfortunate man had not foreseen his life coming to this; he had not approached a table on career day in high school manned by a guy wearing a gorilla costume and surrendered to his true destiny. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you never know where you’re going to end up.

He had been a rising star in his chosen field, a trader in commodities.... One of those wildly gesturing, shouting, jostling, hyper-adrenaline types you see down on the floor of the commodities market-- the mosh-pit of the corporate world. His voice had been his secret of success: It was loud but resonant; a baritone that rose above the shrill piping of the others. Then one day it just gave out. He had lost his voice, had suffered permanent damage to his vocal cords-- and he could not be heard above the din. Tragically, he had rasped out, "BUY BRAZILIAN BEEF FUTURES"-- but was misunderstood to have said, "BUY ASIAN SEA CUCUMBERS!" And he was completely wiped-out in a financial panic stemming from an epidemic of mad sea cucumber disease.

Down the block, the owner of a competitive carwash takes note of the gorilla costume gambit and is forced into action. An auto parts calendar model is hired. (In fact—she was the actual-- in the flesh-- Miss Ball-Bearing, July 89!) She adorns the entrance of the driveway clad only in a bikini.... Perhaps Beauty can beat back the Beast.... And indeed what American can resist sex and shiny cars? Business soars.

Back up the street this fact is quickly grasped-- Measures must be taken.... The gorilla is given a pith helmet and a whip-- And one, Mistress Doris, a paralegal and part-time dominatrix is signed to team with the gorilla. Plus the name of the business is changed from "Reliable Wax & Wash" to "The Marquis de Suds." With the slogan: "We just don't clean filth-- we humiliate it."

These developments do not go unnoticed by the local clergy-- who convince adolescents in their youth groups to gather buckets, sponges and garden hoses. They begin to offer a free carwash (or a vehicular baptism-- as they call it in the trade) for every conversion-- plus a free lube job and tire rotation for frequent church attendance. "You have to compete these days," a minister was heard to say, "If Jesus was here today-- he would have to wash more than just feet to compete."

But back down at the "Marquis," the outward trappings of success have changed the man in the gorilla outfit.... He's tasted fame-- Perhaps, the sound of the approving car horns have gone to his head-- But he wants something more-- not simply more shallow acclaim, mind you -- but he wants to expand creatively-- wants more creative freedom-- does not want to strictly limit himself to roles that entail wearing animal suits.... There was the possibility of landing the role of Abe Lincoln at "Honest Abe's Log Cabin Mobile Home & Winnebago”. It seems the soul

Inside, the man inside the hairy suit must reveal itself at long last.... And he just knew he shared this yearning with his fans and admirers out there in the traffic.... A performer must know his audience: And he senses that they want more than the pleasant distraction of shtick and commercialized sex-- that they, like him, long to remove the mask they must wear at work-- to shed the silly suit-- and to be loved for their true selves.... But, of course, to act on such a thing would be a disaster.... Business would suffer; jobs would be put at risk. Perhaps, the whole global economy would unravel!

So for now-- this was steady work.... And, even though his voice seemed to be returning a little bit every day, he harbored little desire to return to the corporate mosh pit.... That life now seemed to him even more grotesque and preposterous than earning his keep wearing a ape suit.

For he just knew deep in his gorilla suit encased chest, that like him, we all longed to breath free, to hit the open road and re-invent ourselves, and to know that know no matter what mask we are forced to wear-- that-- we are only a tank of gas and a costume change away from salvation.

Top Banana (mp3)
While downloading is sometimes necessary please do it responsibly and (as with anything you do) consider the repercussions of what you do and if ya must  do it – do it with the best intentions. - in other words, I'm hungry - chandler